Pain and Promises
by lda-cullen
Summary: What was going through Sasha's head when he learned Kaylie, Emily, Lauren, and even Payson betrayed him? This tells the pain and a promise made and felt by our favorite coach, Sasha Belov.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Make It or Break. All property belongs to ABC Family and the creators.**

**AN: Okay so I was re-watching season 2 and the episode where all of the girls, including Payson, betrayed Sasha had a lot of anguish on Sasha's part. So I took the liberty to write what I thought was going through his head when he learned of the girls betrayal of sorts, in particularly Payson's. We all know that they are close, so this is what I thought he was feeling. **

As I watch the girls leave for the night I can't help, but feel somewhat relieved. Looking into their eyes and knowing they betrayed me, hurts a hell of a lot more than what I was expecting it to...it hurts more than I care to admit. All of them betrayed me: Lauren, Kaylie, Emily...and, Payson. I always knew Lauren would run and protect herself, not caring who or what she hurts in the process. Just as long as Lauren Tanner is safe and successful nothing else matters. I thought and foolishly hoped that Kaylie would have had a better head on her shoulders. I thought she would have led the girls by example and trust me. I guess I was wrong. She didn't trust me, none of them did. She used her leadership skills that I helped her improve on, against me. Emily was a shock, but not necessarily surprising. I assume that since she has always had to depend on herself she relied on her instincts in a situation she thought she could handle on her own. In the end she was only looking out for her friends, for herself, for her dream. As a former gymnast I couldn't be upset at her or any of them for protecting their dream at all costs. Even if that meant going against the only person in the sport on your side, that person being your coach.

The one person that betrayed me, who I thought never would, was Payson. The beautiful young women who I have grown to care for deeply, cared for on a more intimate level, cared for more than I probably should, turned her back on me and betrayed me, just like everyone else. As I think of Kaylie, Emily, and Lauren and their betrayal, it hurts like a dull ache. When I think of Payson and her betrayal it hurts like a burning inferno to the skin, to the soul, and to the heart. Her betrayal is more painful than the others, because I've grown over the past few months, to love her. As much as I know I should be upset and angry at them...at her, I can't bring myself to be angry or upset...at least not with her. I find it easy to blame the other three girls...to blame Beals for all of this. In reality this situation and betrayal has Ellen Beals written all over it. It's really not the girls I'm angry at...it's Beals.

My feelings are hurt at what they've done...what Payson has done. I won't deny that, at least I'll admit it to myself. The four gymnast who I have grown to care for like my daughters or friends, with the more intimate exception of Payson, have hurt me in the most heart wrenching way. They didn't trust me...she didn't trust me. When they didn't trust me on the issue with Beals and the meet to France, it was like a slap in the face and stab in the back.

I don't know if I can look at them the same way again. In not trusting me, in turn they have lost my trust in them. I will always believe in them, as a good coach should, but I don't know if I will ever be as close to them as I once was. That thought alone break my heart. The thought that brings me to my knees in anguish is that I may not be able to get close to Payson again. I don't know if I can trust her to trust me as a gymnast trusts their coach. I want to say and believe that this mistake is fixable. I want to believe that it was a moment of poor judgment. I want to believe that they care, in the same way I care; I want to believe that she cares.

I'm pulled from my thoughts as Summer approaches me. _Summer, how I wish you were Payson. _ Her eyes are sad and holds a tenderness that I can't identify; a tenderness that I refuse to acknowledge, because it's not _her _eyes I'm looking into. It's Summer's eyes I'm looking into.

"You can't tell me your feelings aren't hurt by all of this, Sasha." Her voice is soft and caring. I look at her with a guarded gaze. I'm hiding my feelings from her. I don't want her to see the pain or the tears that are threatening to fall.

I take a deep calming breath. I force the words out of my mouth. "I'm fine. It was all about just getting to Paris and they did. I'm proud of them." I don't even believe the words coming out of my mouth. Although, I'm hoping she does. If she does, then that means she doesn't know me very well. Which in the end is for the best, because my heart was stolen the moment I first walked into this gym and locked eyes with Payson Keeler. Thankfully, Summer doesn't know that.

"Well, if you need someone to talk to, then you know I'm here for you Sasha." She was hesitant as she looked at me.

I sighed and looked at her before speaking softly. "Thank you Summer, but I'm fine." I glanced at the clock above the door to distract myself. "Hey it's getting late. You can go ahead and go home. I just need to get some stuff from the office."

I release a breath I didn't know I was holding as I hear the door open and close, signaling her exit. I turn off the main lights leaving on the back up lights. The gym is in a semi darkness that I find rather comforting. I walk over to the small deck leading up to the office and lean against the wall supporting it. After a few seconds I find myself sinking to the floor shuddering as the pain in my chest finally overtakes me. As I think of Kaylie, Emily, Lauren, and Payson the tears flow down my face like rain. The tears seem to be of little help. As my mind wonders to each girl, each person I have grown to care for, my heart hurts a little more. Ironically when my mind and thoughts go to Payson, my chest feels about ten times heavier. She betrayed me. The woman I have grown to love, albeit secretively, stabbed me in the back. She didn't listen and in the end she is suffering. I open my red rimmed eyes with clarity and understanding for the first time. I realize she is the woman I will forever love when I realize that I want to help her be an Olympian, even after what occurred. After she went to Beals, after she petitioned and failed, I still want to help her reach her dreams. _Can I handle loving her, training her, and letting her go when all is said and done? _I sigh and put my head in my hands, trying to get rid of the pain of today. _I'm going to have to. No matter how much I love her, how much I care, I'm going to have to let her go. _As I stand I brush the tears away with a quick swipe of my hand. I head towards my office when I notice a lone figure in the doorway. I stop and stare as they make their way into the dimly lit gymnasium. My breath hitches as I figure out who it is. As she steps in the light and right in front of me I can't help, but notice how beautiful she is, even with her red eyes.

She takes a small tentative step towards me as if she's scared I'll yell. She looks in my eyes for the first time all day, before she speaks. "Sasha, I am so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. I..." Her voice is beautiful, even when she is whispering apologies.

I sigh as I run my hand through my hair, distracting myself and my thoughts. "No Payson. You did what I advised you all to do. I told you all to put your dreams in you own hands and you did. You have your chance to get on the National Team, so it's okay. That's all that matters."

She steps closer still before she breaths deep and speaks again, even softer than before. "No it's not okay. You can lie to Summer and everyone else, but you can't lie to me. Your hurt. I know you are. It kills me to know that I...we are the ones that hurt you. The last thing we ever wanted to do is hurt you. Please...I'm sorry. Going to Paris is not what it was about. It was about trusting you, having faith in you. We didn't. We let you down." Payson looked at me with tears in her eyes. "I let you down." I sigh as I look at her.

"No Payson. You didn't let me down. I told you girls to take control of your own dreams and destiny and you have. You all get to go to Paris. You have a chance at achieving your dreams. That's all that matters." I look away as I feel tears burn my eyes. I can't let her see me hurt, because she will feel worse. I tense up as I feel her hand on my arm. Her voice is strained, almost as if she is in pain.

"Sasha, no that's not all that matters. I hurt you and I let you down. I don't want you to be hurt because of me." She hesitates for a split second before continuing. " I care way too much for you, to let you hurt because of me." I cringe at what she is unconsciously implying. She cares for me way more than a gymnast should. I look at her to see she, also, has tears in her eyes.

Without really thinking about it I moved my hand up to cup her cheek. I run my thumb under her eye to wipe her tears away. "No need to cry, love. I can handle a little bit of pain. I just can't handle seeing you in pain." I cringe and pull my hand away when I realized I slipped up for the first time on emotions with her. I opened the door to my heart for her to see into for the first time. Even when I shouldn't. She softly gasped before tentatively placing her hand on my moist cheek. She proceeded to do the same thing I did with her. She ran her soft fingers under my eyes to wipe my tears away.

"Sasha I will not see you in pain. I will never, under any circumstances, ever doubt you. I lo...care for you too much. If there is one thing I regret, it's going and talking to Beals. I just wish I could take it back." She still has her hand on my cheek as I lean in towards her. Our faces are only a few inches apart. I look in her eyes and see the sincerity of her words and the truth and feelings behind her confession. I smile at her as I move in closer still.

"I care for you too much to. I don't want to see you in pain either. About today, Payson, we all make mistakes. I know it was just a small mistake. One I can see you won't make again. I trust you on that. I trust you not to go against what you believe in again. I trust you to trust me from here on out. You know I would never do anything to hurt you." I look in her eyes and see her smile for the first time since she got here.

"I know you wouldn't. I do trust you Sasha. With everything." She leans in closer until our lips are just a mere inch apart. I lean forward and just as our lips touch the front door opens. Payson and I both pull back and sigh when no one is there. A few seconds later Kaylie walks in.

She glances between me and Payson before looking back at Payson. "Hey Pay, you said you forgot your phone, so I figured you'd be back by now. If you want I can wait a couple more minutes, but it's getting kind of late." Payson breathed in and looked at me before turned back to Kaylie.

"Yea I'll be out in a couple of minutes. I just found my phone. I need to talk to Sasha real quick." Kaylie looked skeptical, but nodded and left. Payson turned back to me with guilty eyes. I already knew what she was going to say.

"Payson, don't look at me like that. We both leaned in, we both wanted it. It wasn't your fault. If it was anyone's, it was mine." I looked at her to see her smiling at me and suddenly everything that's happened today, seemed irrelevant to the here and now. "Look, we can forget what happened today with Beals, with the girls..._everything."_ I looked to see her nod.

"Well Sasha, I better go, Kaylie is waiting and I don't want her to get upset." I stand up as she grabs her phone from the floor. She stood up and walked over to me. I hesitantly placed my arms protectively around her. I memorized her scent of freesia and the feel of her warm body tucked into mine. I want to memorize this moment for eternity. I watch her go, but as she gets to the door she stops and looks back at me with tender eyes.

"Sasha, do I have to forget?" I look at her quizzically.

"Forget what, Payson?" I know what she wants to hear.

She hesitates before continuing. "Everything."

I smile and walk over to her before resting my forehead against hers. "No, love." I used the affectionate name to get my point across. "You don't have to forget everything. Everything that's happened between us has happened for a reason. What we have Payson, is stronger than anything and more real than anything I've had with any one. As I've said before, you I care too much for. More than what I should."

She sighs and smiles at me before placing her hand on my cheek. "Good. Because I don't want to forget. I want as much time with you as I can get. Beals won't get in the way."

I sigh and voice my thoughts before I can talk myself out of it. "Good because after 2012 she won't be in our way anymore."

She smiles and places her soft lips on mine for a split second before pulling away. "Just something to remember you by, as you're being my coach and all."

I laugh as I bring her into a hug. "Trust me Payson, in 2012 after you have gold I won't be your coach any more. I'll be whatever you want me to be in your life. I promise."

"Good. Because you'll be my everything." She pulls away from me and walks towards the door. As she places her hand on the door I walk over to her one last time.

"Payson, do you trust me?" She nods her head.

"Good. I want you to know that I'm a man of my word so I'll keep my promise." I look at her and see that she is smiling.

"Don't worry Sasha. I trust you. As my coach, as my friend, and as..." She trails off not knowing what to say.

"I know love. As long as we trust each other we'll get through this...together." She nods her head and looks into my eyes before speaking. "Yes. Together. Goodnight Sasha. I'll see you tomorrow."

I smile at her before letting her leave. As the door clicks shut behind her, I sigh in relief. _Well that went better than I thought. Payson and I are back on track and feelings on both sides are revealed. Just another two years and nothing will be in our way. _With that thought I walk back up to my office with a lighter heart and a genuine smile on my face. Just the thought that there will inevitably be more to me and Payson in the not-so-distant future is enough to get me through the dark days ahead. 

**AN: So I just wanted to write down what I hoped was going through Sasha's head when he learned the girls betrayed him. Yes there is a twist in the end that didn't happen, but I just had to put it down. Please Let me know what you guys think. Read and Review **


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